I just couldn’t get drunk enough to enjoy American Wedding.

Oh, I tried. The champagne was flowing, especially after it became obvious that the obligatory embarrassing masturbatory sequence, a feature this series is oh so known for, was going to happen right at the beginning.

In the opening sequence at a swanky restaurant, the guy asks the girl (are the names really necessary at this point?) to marry him. She’s so zany, she mistakenly thinks he just wants to spice up the relationship and jumps under the table to give him a blow job.

Isn’t that funny? Yeah, me either.

Besides, I’m pretty sure that every woman is born with at least three primal instincts: food, shelter and when some guy is asking you to marry him (even gay women. They may

Then again, this girl might have missed the proposal due to the fact that this couple has the level of sizzling rapport that you might experience between step-siblings who haven’t had the chance to get to know each other all that well yet.

Perhaps you will love the endless sight gags that end up on the front of some guy’s pants. I grew weary. The gags don’t end there. Bestiality is indeed a laughing and easily forgotten matter with this lovable bunch. I think I might puke.

Let’s see, what do we have now? Ah, there’s the unbelievably over- used montage of all those lovable details of a wedding. The Goddess planned her own wedding, and in my experience,

Then there’s the guy teaching the other guy to dance? Wow. When exactly was Footloose - 20 years ago? How about the endless panicking from each of these dorks that they might be perceived as gay? They should be so lucky! Whoops! They then mistakenly go to a gay bar? Complete with a dance off? Wow. Words don’t come easily except, is there one even slightly original idea in the house?

Thirty minutes into this and I was wondering how close the crack district was to my house.

What are the chances that a real moment could occur here? Smart and stupid guy pretend they are each other. How often have you seen that happening in high sch

A big stripper bachelor party sequence featuring Nikki Ziering, no stranger to the Hot Department, stripping down and even then, the scene falling as flat as pretty much all the breasts in this movie would without plastic surgery.

It all rounds up with a great big pubic hair gag and an equally boffo joke about eating poop. Lord. Will the hilarity ever cease. How sick can I get.

There are two ways you’ll love this movie:
1. if you are nuts already about the previous ones or
2. if you have access to far better hallucinogens than the Goddess (you’ll know you’ve got the right drugs when this film begins to seem eerily like Citizen Kane)

Barring those two particulars, I think this might not be your big winner pick. As for me, I’m just glad it’s over.

Copyright © 2006 CTarr